Reminiscence of Lotus Pavilion Ch.1

Okay, so I had watched a Chinese vocaloid named Luo Tianyi’s MV Reminiscence of the Red Lotus (忆红莲), and then used it as an inspiration for this story. /*The maidservant addresses herself as “this slave”(奴婢) and her Young Master(少爷), in third person due to the honorifics of the time. The story/fanfic is set in Ancient China. I don’t really know how to describe it, it’s just the way that they talked in order to humble themselves before people of higher rank/order.*/

Young Master liked being idle. He would spend the majority of his time gazing at the dead and broken lotus buds in the Old Master’s lotus pavilion. The Old Master often reprimanded him, feeling embarrassed that the eldest dí(嫡) son was such a lazy waste. Young Master had showed no interest in succeeding the esteemed He(何) family, and as a result, neglected attending the imperial academy. While all this makes our Young Master seem like an idle silk pants, Young Master had once been an incredibly promising youth. By the tender age of 13, Young Master had been able to recite the Dao de Jing( 道德經) and the Analects(論語) by heart! He had even contributed to these renown philosophies  by elaborating on points that previous generations hadn’t even began to touch on! Truth be told, I myself had only heard of his achievements from my fellow maidservants. Young master is now 23, however,  and all the promise foretold from his youth had gradually diminished over the short span of a decade.

“Young Master, Old Master has ordered this slave(奴婢) to make sure Young Master finishes the noon day meal”. I arch my back forwards and lower my head submissively whilst saying this, afraid of possibly disgusting my new master with an appearance as jaded and ordinary as my own.

To my surprise, a clear and deep ringing voice answered, “Ah…? And you are?”

With my face still covered and back still arched forwards in a perfect bow, “This slave has been given to young master as a personal maidservant by the Old Master”.

His smooth and enchantingly clear voice replied, “raise your head.”

I paused for a short moment, then hesitantly obeyed, revealing my plain and insignificant exterior. What met my gaze was beyond astonishing. With skin as delicate and pale as snow, hair as lustrous and dense as a waterfall, and a well proportioned body deserving of being deemed a “fine specimen”, Young Master was certainly the most beautiful person I had ever laid eyes on. His appearance was that of an immortal being’s. Young Master’s unearthly physique easily outshone all the so called “beautiful” women in the imperial capital. I stumbled, and would have indeed fallen in the muddy lotus pond if not for young master’s sturdy hand catching me.

He pulled me back onto the stone steps of the pavilion and helped me steady myself. “Tell my grandfather that there’s no need for any of his meddling here, I’ll be fine on my own.” Young Master turned around and swiftly walked in the direction towards his private dwellings.

 

 

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Reminiscence of Lotus Pavilion Ch.1

  1. Sorry for the semi-harsh corrections, but I feel that they will make your writing more enjoyable 🙂

    1. Titles such as “Young Master” and “Old Master” should be capitalized if not said like “the young master” or “our young master” since they are being used as names.
    2. “The old master often reprimanded him, how could the eldest di() son be such a waste!? Not even bothering to succeed the esteemed He(何) family by attending the imperial academy.” These aren’t full sentences and detract from the passage’s clarity.
    3. “Young master is now 23, however, *and* all the promise…”
    4. For readers that are not accustomed to the traditions of this time period, it may be more clear to have the servant girl mention how she is referring to herself in third person in respect for the master.
    5. When a new person begins speaking, you must start a new paragraph.
    6. Capitalize the first letter of long dialogue such as “this slave(nubi) has been given to young master as a personal maidservant by the old master”.
    7. “His appearance was that of an immortal’s, young master’s unearthly physique…” –> “His appearance was that of an immortal being’s. Young Master’s unearthly physique…”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for the corrections! I’m really new to this and I really appreciate the fact that you went through this and helped point out things that needed fixing! Changes have been made, again, thanks a lot!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s